


Dear Diary, Dear Fucking Diary

by HalfBloodGirl



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Adolescence, Canon Trans Character, Diary, F/M, Grell's a woman okay ?!, Grelliam is my otp, High School, Love at First Sight, M/M, Trans Female Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-23
Updated: 2020-06-23
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:27:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24587566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HalfBloodGirl/pseuds/HalfBloodGirl
Summary: “I have a problem.I think I'll never forget the first time I saw him.”William T. Spears is a second-year student, just living a normal afterlife, studying, reading, maybe dreaming of something more exciting than... all of this.Grell Sutcliff is a first-year student, rebel, provocative, living just for herself without thinking about consequences.One day, by the window of his classroom, William sees Grell sat in a tree. That's a first encounter, and obviously not the last one for these two young reapers, who will learn a lot about each other, but also about themselves./!\ I do use the female pronounces for my dear Grell, but remember, it's first William point of view, and he does not know her, so he thinks she's a man. Do not worry, there'll be an evolution.
Relationships: William T. Spears/Grell Sutcliff
Comments: 4
Kudos: 10





	1. William, or how to fall in love with a rebel

**Author's Note:**

> Hi Grelliam lovers ! 
> 
> This isn't my first Grelliam fanfiction, but for many reasons, it's a first time ! I never published anything on AO3, and I never wrote any story in english. Pretty stressful, I have to admit... I'm french, so be patient with me and don't hesitate to tell me if there's a mistake somewhere ^^ I wanna improve my english, and I think that's a good way to do it.
> 
> So, I present you "Dear Diary, Dear Fucking Diary" ! As we say in France : "c'est parti !" 
> 
> I hope it'll please you ^w^

“Dear diary,

You’re the first diary I ever had. I do not really know why I begin one right now. Well, actually, I know. Damn it, even on a fucking sheet of paper, it’s hard to tell. I feel like an idiot.

Pretty embarrassing.

I think I’ll hide you in a place impossible to find. Just to prevent me from being ridiculous if someone tries to read you. And if, in despite of everything, this apocalyptic event ever happens, I’ll deny it all.

But that’s not the topic.

I have a problem.

I think I’ll never forget the first time I saw him.

I was in the classroom, sat next to the window, taking some notes on my copybook, wishing the teacher won’t discover I actually had no interest for what he was saying. Just kidding. I’m a serious student. So I was taking notes when I turned the head towards the outside, and I saw him. He was sat on the lowest branch of a tree, a red apple in one hand, a little damaged book in the other one. I felt like if he was a bomb, or a fire : he had a cheeky smile, scarlet messy hair, a constellation of freckles on the cheeks. His eyes were green, like mine, like everyone’s, but his looked so different, there was like a living light inside, something I can’t describe. Even his outfit wasn’t commonplace : high heels (I wonder how he could have climbed in the tree with such shoes), a red customized jacket wore on a crumpled shirt, a striped tie, some silver rings around his fingers, some chains on his ears, and a beautiful red lipstick. How can I forget about that ? He had lipstick. Lipstick ! I first tried to convince myself that was foolish, nonsense – and obviously it is ! – but the truth is that looked so good on him I wanted to die. Oh dear gods, did I really write what I think I wrote ? Just bury me. In rocks. Sharp rocks.

His lips were constantly moving, like if he was talking with someone. He was alone. I remember having thought : _“madness suits him very well”_ before hitting my forehead with my manual. It hurts, just in the case you would know. Now that I think about it, he was probably reading out loud. No matter. My move caught his attention. His eyes slipped until me, my manual, and my damn red face – I’m pretty sure I blushed, just because I hate being caught looking at someone, not because of him... I think...

He softly laughed and smiled at me, raising an eyebrow, mocking. He bit his apple, still staring at me – HE REALLY WAS STARING AT ME OH MY FUCKING GODS – and he winked at me.

He. Winked. At. Me.

No one – and by “no one”, I really mean “no one” – ever winked at me this way, like if we were sharing the same funny secret, and I can’t prevent me from thinking there maybe was another meaning, something... deeper ?

I’m stupid. Officially stupid. Yet I’m not the kind of person jumping to conclusions.

Well. Approximately two seconds later, he jumped from the branch, the apple blocked between his teeth, and after addressing me a last glance, he left the courtyard, going gods-only-know-where. Even if he wasn’t there anymore, I couldn’t detach my eyes from him, from his flaming hair, from his clothes far too original for this dull building. It sounded like if he was a kind of unreal apparition, a vision. No one in the classroom seemed having noticed him when I looked around me. It’s kinda frightening, to be honest.

He maybe is a ghost come to disturb me, or driving me mad, or something.”

“Hey, you little stalker ! What’s that ?”

My dead heart stopped beating for a while before hitting my chest with the strength and the violence of a punch. I turned round and got face to face with the red haired student.

“Breathe, dude, I won’t kill you except if you give me a reason to do it.”

I couldn’t even think, or move, or do something necessitating my brain. He sat by my side and took my diary without any hesitation, as if he owned it.

“Oh, talking about me ? I didn’t think you were that creepy.

-Hey ! Give it back ! That’s not your business !” I ordered trying to get back this damn book.

He turned his back on me, keeping reading my words – my words about _him_ !

“This is totally my business, on the contrary, since it is about me. I hate not knowing what the others say in my back.”

He looked at me and smiled – a diabolic smile.

“Maybe you wanna say it by yourself instead of letting me read your diary ?”

I frowned, unable to decide if he was serious.

“Well, let’s continue this fascinating carnet, he said raising his shoulders.

-Wait wait wait, okay ! Just stop reading, I’ll speak !”

I hurried to seize my good and coldly looked at my neighbour. He was laughing, passing his hand through his hair, which became a little more a mess. He wasn’t wearing the same outfit than this morning. His jacket was longer, although it’s still red, and looked like the ones from the past century ; he swapped his court shoes for stiletto boots. What need did he have to change his clothes several times a day ? The only thing which’s not new is his make-up, perfectly carried out. I cleared my throat.

“First, let me introduce myself, would you ? I’m William T Spears, second-year student.

-Nice to meet you, William I-Am-A-Stalker T Spears, he said with a lot of irony in his voice. Now tell me, what were you writing about me ?

-Nothing mean, do not worry.

-If you think I care about if you like me or not, you’re mistaking. I just want you to be honest, clear ?”

I hardly breathed. I really didn’t want him to know I found him so damn handsome, so damn attractive, so damn... hot – the word is said, I think he’s _bloody damn hot_. He leant over me, an amused gleam in the eyes.

“I think I exactly know what it is about. (He slowly licked his lower lip.) Am I wrong ?”

I panicked. I have to admit it, even if it attacks my pride. I gripped my diary against my chest and I went out of the library where I thought I would be alone. My breath wasn’t regular at all, and I pursed my lips. Why the hell did I act like an idiot ? And why the bloody hell did I run away ?! It was out of question to return, now, what would I look like ? But in spite of his strange and cheeky attitude, I desired to see him again. I punched my temple. Something wasn’t right up there.

I opened the door of my bedroom and collapsed on a chair. What an odd first conversation... I sighed, trying to bring back my breath to a normal rhythm. And suddenly, I realised something.

I didn’t even know his name.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this first chapter :) I know, that's short, but remember, it's my first english story ^^' I wanted to do something else than the classical scheme where they hate each other at the beginning. I'm a romantic girl, sooooo, I thought I could write about love at first sight. Silly, maybe (hello sis'), but I needed a fluffy Grelliam story ^w^ William was maybe different when he was young ? Still a serious student, but maybe... nicer and sweeter ? I do not know how to describe what I mean... Let's say you got it, okay ? 
> 
> See you soon dear sparkled muffins !


	2. Grell, or how to start a fight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi !
> 
> I'm back ^^ I have to tell you I'm not regular as a writer, so I don't know when all the chapters will be published. Sorry ^^'
> 
> To come back to the main topic, here's the second chapter ! I used Grell's point of view for this one, and I'll often change it since there are two main characters.
> 
> This chapter is full of rudeness, but hey, that's Grell, remember XD
> 
> Sorry again for the faults, I try my best, but since I'm french and not fluent, that's difficult ^^' If I make mistakes, tell me, don't hesitate !
> 
> Wishing you a great day/night :)

“Dear dear fucking diary,

I have a bruise above my eyebrow, and that’s all that little dick of stalker’s fault ! He left me at the library, so I took my frustration out on the first come in my way. I didn’t even know him. Maybe an older student. No matter.

HOW DARE HIM LEAVE ME ON MY OWN EVEN THOUGH I KNOW HE WANTED ME TO TALK WITH HIM ?!

Men... I think I’ll never ever understand them, particularly when they look like know-it-all. He was so boring, so unattractive, so... especial. In the end, he hasn’t told me what he thought about me. I guess that was a bit unorthodox, you could see it in his eyes. He may be not that innocent. I could revise my opinion about him. He may be a little bit interesting.

I wanna see him again. I think I deserve some explanations.”

I walked in the corridors, proudly raising my chin, ignoring chuckles which rose on my way. Just pass through. My eyes were seeking that black haired man. I knew I had about one on one hundred chance to find him, but when does it stop me since ?

I turned at the angle of the corridor and finally saw that rude peasant. I was about to yell his name when a massive body stopped me in my tracks.

"Oh, isn't that my favorite faggot ? Looking for another man you could fuck ?"

I raised an eyebrow, trying hard to not kick him - at least, not immediately. 

"Coyle, what a surprise, you little bitch. I actually do search a man to fuck, so please let me seeking that lucky one alone and go touch your virgin self."

I ponctuated my sentence by a hand movement towards my inseam and then passed on that dummy's left. But suddenly, he grabbed my shoulder strong enough to extort me a small cry and did the same with my hair.

With my precious hair.

"Wanna play, huh, fag ? Let me show you how funny can be a game with m..."

If you think I let him finish his sentence, you're all idiots. I punched him in the nose - I'm sure I heard a cracking - and sent my knee against his inseam. He moaned in pain, low treating me with all worse nicknames existing on Earth.

I showed him my most beautiful middle finger.

Turning the head, I saw Spears staring at me, stunned. He opened the mouth, once, twice, and finally walked towards me. I couldn't hold a smile. He seemed shocked and impressed at the same time - flattering for me. When he was right in front of me, he blinked and passed his hand behind his neck.

"You... he began hesitating. You always are that violent ?

-Only if someone looks for shit with me. I told you, I won't kill you unless you give me a reason to do it."

He nodded, without taking his eyes off me. I have to admit he was quite cute. Usually, shy guys weren't my type, but there... His eyes were green, like mine, like everyone's, but they looked different, they housed a form of... sincerity ? Something warm without being burning, and above all, something clear as glass. I saw no hypocrisy or bad intentions in his pupils - a rare thing for someone talking with me. I felt like if nothing could never hurt me. To be honest, that's the first time someone makes me this effect.

I shook my head and give him my hand.

"Grell Sutcliff, by the way. But just call me Grell, or senpai, or master, or...

-Wow, calm down, redhair ! Grell is fine !

-Asshole."

He made a face, perhaps disturbed by my rudeness, before taking my hand and shaking it, for a long time. None of us were daring to say a word. I hate silence.

"So... Do you still write about me in your stupid carnet ?

-That's not a stupid... Never mind. Just forget what you saw, okay ? I already feel embarrassed enough."

I laughed and sent my eldow against his ribs.

"I never forget anything, but... for this time, I maybe can make an exception. Just because you seem as stubborn as me.

-Not that much.

-Being in second year seems to be great" I add without any transition.

He frowned.

"You're a first-year student ?

-Let me remind you age doesn't matter since we're dead. I look older, but I died after you."

I paused, like every single time I talk about death. I'm not disgusted or afraid of it, not even sad. Just... curious. No one here remembered how they died, nor what was their life before. I always wondered why I stopped living, and why I now had to reap humans' souls. Was it a kind of punishment ? For what ? Were we sinners or something before ? Knowing me, I maybe sinned by lust or anger. But... What means "a sin" ? I don't even believe in God.

A hand suddenly grabbed my shoulder. I reflexively turned back and raised the arm, ready to fight. Nevertheless, I stopped my movement seeing who I was about to hit : a professor. I blinked and backed a step away.

"Mr Sutcliff, you must learn to control yourself, began the woman in front of me, making me wincing.

-I won't excuse myself for being cautious, Mrs. Skin-and-bones.

-You'll change you mind before the headmaster. And such heels aren't allowed in this institution. Now follow me, he's waiting for you and your... extravaganza.

-Sorry for not being dull."

She murdered me with her eyes and turned tail.

"Bitch" I mumbled, furious.

William took my hand and I jumped, surprised by a such gesture. He seemed realize what he was doing and quickly removed his hand. I smiled, but said nothing. I strangely didn't want to put this moment in reality. If it became real... It would be too frightening.

"You know why you're summoned by the headmaster ? he asked to mask his trouble. 

-'cause he want me to suck him. Just kidding, deary, stop blushing. He's far too old for me, and I'm not into old farts. I guess he wanna tell me about my behavior. That's something like a hundred times I hear about that. Can you just imagine how his life may be uninteresting for calling me that much for the same reason each time ?"

I sighed and began to walk towards the headmaster's office. I guessed William was following me, so I said without a look for him :

"I know the way, little stalker. No need to accompany me." 

He stayed were he was. Fortunately. I needed to be myself, and only myself, since I was going to see the headmaster. And with William... That's hard to explain, but I feel more... vulnerable. I always have nerves in bloom, I always get angry or overexcited for one little thing. But with that strange man, I could rest. My strong emotions were still there, but they gave way to something sweeter and less exhausting. At least, less exhausting to feel. But thinking about it was giving me headaches. I had to be alone for a while. 

I opened the massive door of the office and sat on a chair without waiting for an invitation. 

"Mr. Sutcliff, your behavior gets more and more a desaster. I was told that you broke a student's nose a few minutes ago and yesterday, you fought with an agent from the dispatch for no reason. Do you have any explanation to give ?" 

I extended my legs on the other chair and addressed him a bored sight. 

"What do you wanna hear ? Yesterday, I was angry, I needed to hit something. Or someone in this case. And for Coyle's nose, he deserved it. 

-He always had been one of our best students, contrary to you. Who do you think I'll believe ? 

-I didn't know you were supporting homophobic mean little bitches. I think I at least have the right to fuck who I want and to wear what I want without being bothered by bastards."

He made a fist. I knew I was far too insolent, but he didn't deserved I make any effort for my vocabulary. May him go burn in hell. 

"If you were wearing your uniform and if you were less... you, you maybe wouldn't be insulted. If you want to be respected, stop wearing these provocative outfits, and stop making up, you don't look like a man."

I raised an eyebrow and took my lipstick and a glass - I always have them in a pocket, that's a must have. I painted my lips in a scarlet red, without worrying about the old fart, who was yelling at me. I seized my bag, stood up and sent him a kiss. 

"If you have nothing more to tell me, like always, I guess I can go. Wishing you a great day, Mister."

I ignored his protestations and walked in the corridor, more and more furious each step I made.

_If you were less... you._

Thank you, asshole, thank you very much.

"Dear fucking bloody damned diary,

I _hate_ headmasters, I _hate_ narrow-minded people, I hate _everyone_ in this fucking institution, everything _sucks_ , everything is a _piece of shit_ !

I wish I never died. Life on Earth can't be that bad compared to the hell I live every single day.

I wish I could just be myself, is it so hard to understand ?!"


End file.
